Sports talk radio is pretty much awful. Sports talk here drops down to suck. The average IQ of San Antonio’s sports talk audience is about 100…total. So I’m going to tell all those aspiring to become a sports talk show host here, how to be the best ever:
1.Pretend you’re not smart, and if you’re dumb, that’s even better. Nobody around here likes a smarty-pants know-it-all.
2. Don’t bother learning teams besides the Spurs and Cowboys: If you know the other teams in the league, you can honestly evaluate talent and capability. Cowboys are clearly the most talented team in the NFL; they just need better coaching.
3. Spell out the word “Cowboys” on occasion. It makes you appear as if you’re a Cowboys fan. Talk about drinking and getting drunk every now and then.
4. Repeat the belief everyone in the national media hates the Spurs. There’s some truth to that, but it’s more about having to come down here for a conference or NBA Finals so many times.
5. Talk about ridiculous trade rumors. Actually that’s true virtually everywhere. That Miles Austin for Tom Brady and three first-round picks rumor has legs.
6. Say the words “balls” and “ass” a lot. Texans love saying you have balls and you’re kicking ass. Too funny, it’s almost always the opposite: “I’m kicking you in the balls” and “everyone around here has a big ass.”
Toss in “I hate Obama” and you’re not only going to get ratings; you’ll get an eventual shot at governor.